Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
