i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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