Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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