come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
