o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
