wakey wakey hands off snakey
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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