I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
