Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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