I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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