just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
