Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
