its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
