I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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