with your own penis?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
