It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
