i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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