Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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