It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
