You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
