let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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