I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
