Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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