Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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