Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
