I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
