I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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