Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
