alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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