my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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