Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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