New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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