Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
