I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
