im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
