I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
