I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
