I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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