Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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