I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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