Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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