Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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