Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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