DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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