I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
there's paper in my vomit.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
