I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
