Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
