i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
