can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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