I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm at about main and main street
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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