He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I wear drunk well.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
