Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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