Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
