I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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