so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
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My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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