I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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