what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
