i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
