I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
